Today's flashback was originally featured in V.H.U.S. Volume 11, (June 11, 2014).
The question: One that I'm sure is asked every weekend in every Sunday School on the planet.
Too bad the kids will never get to hear the official answer - straight from the horses' mouth.... (Transcript edited for context and clarity.)
UNCLE: Nasty-Neon writes from Carson City, Nevada. "Do animals go to hell?" Well? Is there a petting zoo downstairs?
DEVIL: Some animals DO get transferred down below, but it's a MINUTE percentage. See, no matter what the nature lovers may think, animals are generally without souls. They function on pure biological instinct. And when they die, they're gone. I'm one hundred percent sure WHAT happens to all of them.
However, the more intelligent animals are considered to have "rudimentary" souls. Examples include dolphins, monkeys, cats and dogs, horses too! And through human contact they eventually develop the key to the soul: A very basic sense of Right and Wrong. Sure it's not a genuine officially licensed soul, but it's close. And like you pitiful humans, a brainy animal screwing up "Right vs. Wrong" makes all the difference between playing eternal fetch in Heaven and daily neuterings down at my place.
For example... You always see news stories about circus elephants that have performed hundreds of complicated tricks for 20 years, then one day they suddenly go berserk and squash their trainer's head like a melon. That’s a ticket to Hell’s freight elevator. We get about 6 elephants a year. And they poop A LOT.
And do you remember that trained chimp that ripped off that woman's face and hands? We got him too. You think flying monkey shit is bad at the zoo?!? Heat it to 300 degrees and it's even LESS of a treat.
We also get truckloads of pit bulls and rottweilers. Chew a little baby to pieces, and yeah you're going DOWN Fido (chuckles)! Your OWNER gets an automatic ticket to the hotbox too. We get so many killer dogs we don't know what to do with them all. We used to just dump them at the gates of Korea-Town, but even THEY don’t want them any more.
As for ducks, they're just dicks. We're ass deep in ducks.
Neon, thank you for writing. I hope I answered your question. And if you own a poorly trained pit bull, I’ll be seeing YOU soon (Devil laughs).
UNCLE: Nice. And for the trivia lovers out there, that mad chimpanzee's name was "Travis", born in Festus, Missouri.
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We also get truckloads of pit bulls and rottweilers. Chew a little baby to pieces, and yeah you're going DOWN Fido (chuckles)! Your OWNER gets an automatic ticket to the hotbox too. We get so many killer dogs we don't know what to do with them all. We used to just dump them at the gates of Korea-Town, but even THEY don’t want them any more.
As for ducks, they're just dicks. We're ass deep in ducks.
Neon, thank you for writing. I hope I answered your question. And if you own a poorly trained pit bull, I’ll be seeing YOU soon (Devil laughs).
UNCLE: Nice. And for the trivia lovers out there, that mad chimpanzee's name was "Travis", born in Festus, Missouri.
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More episodes on the VHUS Home Page @ Pod-O-Matic
Thursday, June 29:
From The Vault: VHUS Classic Encore v.19!
Monday, July 3:
V.H.U.S. WORLD SERIES OF HEAVY LISTENERS!! JUNE rankings!!
Thursday, July 6:
From The Vault: VHUS Classic Encore v.20!
(New episode postponed one week - We'll be on vacation!)
Monday, July 10:
Flashback: The Worst Of Track 13!!
(Letters To The Devil, marriage proposals, requests, etc.)
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