Who remembers VHUS v.5 from waaaay back in March of 2014?
Wow. You can pat yourself on the back, because that makes you one of our oldest and most dedicated listeners. Especially since v.5 has NEVER been repeated or made available as a VHUS Classic Encore. (The music was recycled for v.45, but the original breaks are deeply buried in the Uncle-vault. Until now.)
In the Spring of 2014, your favorite Uncle was dabbling in internet dating (for the 20th time), and I was finding the experience just as frustrating as the first 19 rounds. I felt I had to say something - good thing I had a brand new podcast to play with...
(Transcript edited for context and to improve clarity.)
This is your favorite Uncle and as I promised you last time, I'm going to give you single ladies over 40 a few tips to help you snag a man on the internet. Today’s topic: The PROFILE PICTURE... what works, and what makes guys like ME ignore women like YOU.
I'm going to make a broad statement here - when guys are browsing online profiles of ladies, YOUR PICTURE COUNTS for 99% and everything else in your profile ties for dead last. Ever see that Jack Black movie SHALLOW HAL? Yeah, we’re all like that.
Listen up! Here are 5 Things in your profile pic that will cause me to click past you faster than a 30 day free upgrade for Norton Antivirus.
1) If this is the only tip you take away, consider yourself a winner: NO SELFIES. PERIOD. Selfies might work if you're 20 and posing for PLAYBOY... otherwise NO, NO, NO.
This is your favorite Uncle and as I promised you last time, I'm going to give you single ladies over 40 a few tips to help you snag a man on the internet. Today’s topic: The PROFILE PICTURE... what works, and what makes guys like ME ignore women like YOU.
I'm going to make a broad statement here - when guys are browsing online profiles of ladies, YOUR PICTURE COUNTS for 99% and everything else in your profile ties for dead last. Ever see that Jack Black movie SHALLOW HAL? Yeah, we’re all like that.
Listen up! Here are 5 Things in your profile pic that will cause me to click past you faster than a 30 day free upgrade for Norton Antivirus.
1) If this is the only tip you take away, consider yourself a winner: NO SELFIES. PERIOD. Selfies might work if you're 20 and posing for PLAYBOY... otherwise NO, NO, NO.
Find a friend with a camera and a minimum understanding of lighting and BEG them to take your picture. NO SELFIES!! Especially selfies using those iPhone picture apps that hookers use in the adult classifieds. If you think you need flames, smoke or lens flares to make you look sexy, that tells me that I will need several whiskey sours to make ME feel the same way about you. CLICK!!!
2) I need to see your face IN FOCUS. No goofy hats over your eyes, no sunglasses, no stupid faces, no hockey face paint or Halloween costumes. And PLEASE, keep your tongue IN YOUR MOUTH.
2) I need to see your face IN FOCUS. No goofy hats over your eyes, no sunglasses, no stupid faces, no hockey face paint or Halloween costumes. And PLEASE, keep your tongue IN YOUR MOUTH.
Your profile pic doesn't have to look like a passport photo and you don’t even have to force a smile. Just look pleasant and make sure we can SEE you.
3) YOUR PROFILE PIC SHOULD NOT BE A FULL BODY SHOT. I don’t care if you think you have a body like Raquel Welch - because I know you don't. What's the reason? If you use a full body shot, I won’t be able to see your face AT ALL in that low-resolution 1-inch thumbnail on OKCupid. CLICK, NEXT....
4) That head shot we discussed? It should contain YOU and NOBODY ELSE. Leave your dog, your cat, your horse, your troll doll, your kids, your GRANDKIDS, your BFF, your sister, your shotgun and everything else OUT of the picture.
3) YOUR PROFILE PIC SHOULD NOT BE A FULL BODY SHOT. I don’t care if you think you have a body like Raquel Welch - because I know you don't. What's the reason? If you use a full body shot, I won’t be able to see your face AT ALL in that low-resolution 1-inch thumbnail on OKCupid. CLICK, NEXT....
4) That head shot we discussed? It should contain YOU and NOBODY ELSE. Leave your dog, your cat, your horse, your troll doll, your kids, your GRANDKIDS, your BFF, your sister, your shotgun and everything else OUT of the picture.
There is NO better way to guarantee a lifetime of loneliness than to have your grandchildren in your dating profile pic. CLICK, NEXT...
5) Guys don’t need the FBI crime lab to tell if you're using an old picture. Especially if it's in black & white or you're sporting a hairstyle straight out of the BRADY BUNCH.
5) Guys don’t need the FBI crime lab to tell if you're using an old picture. Especially if it's in black & white or you're sporting a hairstyle straight out of the BRADY BUNCH.
Also, I know that some of you think it’s clever to use a picture of a FLOWER or a HEART or a KITTEN or some other bullshit instead of a real face shot. It’s NOT clever. It reads as lazy, boring or unattractive. CLICK...
There’s the five. Oh, there’s no double standard here. These tips absolutely apply one-hundred percent across the genders.
and while you're at it... DOWNLOAD VHUS v.76!
UPCOMING PROGRAMME STUFF!!
Thursday, June 22:
Premiere! The all-new VHUS v.77!
Monday, June 26:
Flashback: Another Vintage Letter To The Devil!
Thursday, June 29:
From The Vault: VHUS Classic Encore v.19!
Monday, July 3:
V.H.U.S. WORLD SERIES OF HEAVY LISTENERS!! JUNE rankings!!
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