Thursday, June 29, 2017

VHUS Classic Encore 19: The Blonde Paint Joke





















What occurred back in October, 2014?
  • Unpredictably bitchy listeners!   We got 'em!
  • Halloween party tips from The Devil!
  • Uncle D.L.’s 8-Track Memories: The Prototype!
  • Losing your sense of smell = Uncertain death!
  • The Blonde joke that changed TRACK 13 forever!
  • A guy-with-a-cabbage-for-a-head!
Plus more incense-fueled progressive rock, metal, comedy and classic rock obscura!   JOIN US!







__________________________________________________________

The Very Heavy Uncle Show – Volume 19
(Original debut: October 8, 2014)
  • Def Leppard -- Let It Go    [High ‘n’ Dry…Vertigo]
  • Opeth -- Eternal Rains Will Come    [Pale Communion…Roadrunner]
  • Grand Funk Railroad – Paranoid    [Grand Funk…Capitol]
  • Pineapple Thief -- Simple As That    [Magnolia…KScope]
  • Ancient VVisdom -- Never Live Again    [Deathlike…Prosthetic]
  • Blues Pills – Jupiter    [Blues Pills…Nuclear Blast]
  • Fish -- A Feast Of Consequences     [A Feast Of Consequences…Chocolate Frog]
  • Procol Harum -- Repent Walpurgis    [Procol Harum…Salvo UK]
  • Judas Priest – Dragonaut    [Redeemer Of Souls…Sony UK]
  • Iluvatar – Resolution    [From The Silence…10T Records]
  • Richard Cheese -- The Trees   [Silent Nightclub…Surfdog]
  • The Smiths – Panic   [Single A-side…Sire]
  • Riot -- Immortal Soul   [Immortal Soul…Steamhammer]
  • Foghat -- Drivin' Wheel   [Night Shift…Bearsville]
  • Bram Stoker -- Born To Be Free   [Heavy Rock Spectacular…Akarma]
  • Accept -- Losing More Than You've Ever Had   [Balls To The Wall…Epic/Legacy]
  • Strawberry Fields – Fool   [Rivers Gone Dry…Metal Mind]
  • Stone Circus – Mr. Grey   [Stone Circus…Mainstream/Ace]
  • Le Orme -- Squardo Verso il Cielo   [Collage…Philips]
  • Fall Of The Leafe -- A Waiting Room Snap   [Volvere…Rage Of Achilles]
  • Stream Of Passion -- Out In The Real World    [Embrace The Storm…Inside Out]







UPCOMING PROGRAMME STUFF!!

Monday, July 3:
VHUS WORLD SERIES OF HEAVY LISTENERS!! JUNE rankings!!

Thursday, July 6:
From The Vault: VHUS Classic Encore v.20!
(New episode postponed one week - We'll be on vacation!)

Monday, July 10:
Flashback: The Worst Of Track 13!!

Thursday, July 13:
Premiere! All-new VHUS Volume 78 (IF we feel like it)!













FOLLOW Uncle D.L. on Twitter!   
(Don't expect too much.   I'm cranky.)

CONTACT US!  
(Letters To The Devil, Requests, Job Offers, Upskirt Shots)


Yanks: Have a safe and sane 4th of July!

The rest of you: Enjoy your sane leaders and Universal Health Care.



Monday, June 26, 2017

FLASHBACK: Letter-To-The-Devil... Do animals go to Hell?








Today's flashback was originally featured in V.H.U.S. Volume 11, (June 11, 2014).

The question: One that I'm sure is asked every weekend in every Sunday School on the planet.

Too bad the kids will never get to hear the official answer - straight from the horses' mouth....   (Transcript edited for context and clarity.)

_________________________________________________________________________________

UNCLE: Nasty-Neon writes from Carson City, Nevada. "Do animals go to hell?"      Well? Is there a petting zoo downstairs?

DEVIL: Some animals DO get transferred down below, but it's a MINUTE percentage.   See, no matter what the nature lovers may think, animals are generally without souls.  They function on pure biological instinct.   And when they die, they're gone. I'm one hundred percent sure WHAT happens to all of them.

However, the more intelligent animals are considered to have "rudimentary" souls.  Examples include dolphins, monkeys, cats and dogs, horses too!   And through human contact they eventually develop the key to the soul: A very basic sense of Right and Wrong. Sure it's not a genuine officially licensed soul, but it's close.   And like you pitiful humans, a brainy animal screwing up "Right vs. Wrong" makes all the difference between playing eternal fetch in Heaven and daily neuterings down at my place.


For example... You always see news stories about circus elephants that have performed hundreds of complicated tricks for 20 years, then one day they suddenly go berserk and squash their trainer's head like a melon.   That’s a ticket to Hell’s freight elevator.   We get about 6 elephants a year.  And they poop A LOT.  
And do you remember that trained chimp that ripped off that woman's face and hands?   We got him too.   You think flying monkey shit is bad at the zoo?!?    Heat it to 300 degrees and it's even LESS of a treat.

We also get truckloads of pit bulls and rottweilers.  Chew a little baby to pieces, and yeah you're going DOWN Fido (chuckles)! Your OWNER gets an automatic ticket to the hotbox too.  We get so many killer dogs we don't know what to do with them all.   We used to just dump them at the gates of Korea-Town, but even THEY don’t want them any more.

As for ducks, they're just dicks.    We're ass deep in ducks.

Neon, thank you for writing. I hope I answered your question.   And if you own a poorly trained pit bull, I’ll be seeing YOU soon (Devil laughs).  

UNCLE: Nice.  And for the trivia lovers out there, that mad chimpanzee's name was "Travis", born in Festus, Missouri.

________________________________________________________________







DOWNLOAD v.77 for Maximum Podcast Satisfaction

More episodes on the VHUS Home Page @ Pod-O-Matic





UPCOMING PROGRAMME STUFF!!

Thursday, June 29:
From The Vault: VHUS Classic Encore v.19!

Monday, July 3:
V.H.U.S. WORLD SERIES OF HEAVY LISTENERS!! JUNE rankings!!


Thursday, July 6:
From The Vault: VHUS Classic Encore v.20!

(New episode postponed one week - We'll be on vacation!)

Monday, July 10:
Flashback: The Worst Of Track 13!!


(Letters To The Devil, marriage proposals, requests, etc.)




Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Our hottest, sweatiest episode yet: The all-new VHUS v.77!






















What's occurring?
  • Whose N-word is it anyway?  (The answer may surprise you!)
  • Knocking at your back door: Sex Toys from Hell!
  • Who won "Stupidest-Band-Name-In-The-Episode?"
  • More Devilishly bad pick-up lines!
  • UncleVision gets laser eye surgery, thanks to the support of listeners like you...
  • A tale of two Hooters (well one, really).
Plus MORE blacklight-powered prog rock, metal, comedy and classic rock obscura!    JOIN US!








_____________________________________________________________________________

THE VERY HEAVY UNCLE SHOW – Volume 77
Debut: June 22, 2017

  • T. Rex - Children Of The Revolution [Single A-Side…Demon/Crimson]
  • Nad Sylvan - The Quartermaster [The Bride Said No…Inside Out]
  • Mastercastle - Space Of Variations [Wine Of Heaven…Scarlet Records]
  • Phoenix Again - The Bridge Of Geese [Unexplored…Black Widow]
  • Grice – Eclipse [Alexandrine…Hungersleep Records]
  • The Barock Project - Old Ghosts [Detachment…Artalia]
  • Panther & C. - Fuga Dal Lago [Il Giusto Equilibrio…Black Widow]
  • Stone Woman - Evil At Midnite [Closer To Death (EP)… https://stonewoman.bandcamp.com]
  • Statue Thieves – Meditation [Revolutions In Your Mind (EP)… https://thestatuethieves.bandcamp.com]
  • Mostly Autumn - Tomorrow Dies [Sight Of Day…Mostly Autumn]
  • Horisont - About Time [About Time…Century Media]
  • Lonely Robot – Awakenings [The Big Dream…Inside Out]
  • The Scorpions - We'll Burn The Sky [Taken By Force…Hip-O/Universal]
  • Marillion - Cannibal Surf Babe [Afraid Of Sunlight…EMI UK]
  • Miracle Flair – Alive [Angels Cast Shadows…Massacre Records]
  • Adam Sandler - Steve Polychronopolous [What The Hell Happened To Me?...Warner Bros.]
  • Elephant Plaza – Southwest [Momentum…Progress Records]
  • Pat Benatar -- Anxiety (Get Nervous) [Get Nervous…Chrysalis]




SUBSCRIBE!!   Google Play!    iTunes!!    RSS2!!!

UPCOMING PROGRAMME STUFF!!

Monday, June 26:
Flashback: Another Vintage Letter To The Devil!

Thursday, June 29:
From The Vault: VHUS Classic Encore v.19!

Monday, July 3:
V.H.U.S. WORLD SERIES OF HEAVY LISTENERS!!  JUNE rankings!!

Thursday, July 6:
From The Vault: VHUS Classic Encore v.20!  (We'll be on vacation!)











CONTACT US!    (It's e-mail.  It won't bite you.)







Monday, June 19, 2017

A VHUS Classic Rant: Internet Dating!







Who remembers VHUS v.5 from waaaay back in March of 2014?

Wow.   You can pat yourself on the back, because that makes you one of our oldest and most dedicated listeners.   Especially since v.5 has NEVER been repeated or made available as a VHUS Classic Encore.   (The music was recycled for v.45, but the original breaks are deeply buried in the Uncle-vault.   Until now.)

In the Spring of 2014, your favorite Uncle was dabbling in internet dating (for the 20th time), and I was finding the experience just as frustrating as the first 19 rounds.    I felt I had to say something - good thing I had a brand new podcast to play with...

(Transcript edited for context and to improve clarity.)








This is your favorite Uncle and as I promised you last time, I'm going to give you single ladies over 40 a few tips to help you snag a man on the internet.  Today’s topic: The PROFILE PICTURE... what works, and what makes guys like ME ignore women like YOU.

I'm going to make a broad statement here - when guys are browsing online profiles of ladies, YOUR PICTURE COUNTS for 99% and everything else in your profile ties for dead last.   Ever see that Jack Black movie SHALLOW HAL?    Yeah, we’re all like that.

Listen up!  Here are 5 Things in your profile pic that will cause me to click past you faster than a 30 day free upgrade for Norton Antivirus.

1) If this is the only tip you take away, consider yourself a winner: NO SELFIES.  PERIOD.  Selfies might work if you're 20 and posing for PLAYBOY... otherwise NO, NO, NO.   

Find a friend with a camera and a minimum understanding of lighting and BEG them to take your picture.  NO SELFIES!!   Especially selfies using those iPhone picture apps that hookers use in the adult classifieds.  If you think you need flames, smoke or lens flares to make you look sexy, that tells me that I will need several whiskey sours to make ME feel the same way about you. CLICK!!!

2) I need to see your face IN FOCUS.  No goofy hats over your eyes, no sunglasses, no stupid faces, no hockey face paint or Halloween costumes.  And PLEASE, 
keep your tongue IN YOUR MOUTH. 

Your profile pic doesn't have to look like a passport photo and you don’t even have to force a smile.   Just look pleasant and make sure we can SEE you.

3) YOUR PROFILE PIC SHOULD NOT BE A FULL BODY SHOT.  I don’t care if you think you have a body like Raquel Welch - because I know you don't.   What's the reason?   If you use a full body shot, I won’t be able to see your face AT ALL in that low-resolution 1-inch thumbnail on OKCupid.  CLICK, NEXT....

4) That head shot we discussed?  It should contain YOU and NOBODY ELSE.  Leave your dog, your cat, your horse, your troll doll, your kids, your GRANDKIDS, your BFF, your sister, your shotgun and everything else OUT of the picture. 

There is NO better way to guarantee a lifetime of loneliness than to have your grandchildren in your dating profile pic.  CLICK, NEXT...

5) Guys don’t need the FBI crime lab to tell if you're using an old picture.  Especially if it's in black & white or you're sporting a hairstyle straight out of the BRADY BUNCH. 

Also, I know that some of you think it’s clever to use a picture of a FLOWER or a HEART or a KITTEN or some other bullshit instead of a real face shot.  It’s NOT clever. It reads as lazy, boring or unattractive. CLICK... 

There’s the five.  Oh, there’s no double standard here.  These tips absolutely apply one-hundred percent across the genders.









and while you're at it... DOWNLOAD VHUS v.76!






CONTACT US!   (Letters To The Devil, suggestions, job offers, etc.)



UPCOMING PROGRAMME STUFF!!

Thursday, June 22:
Premiere! The all-new VHUS v.77!

Monday, June 26:
Flashback: Another Vintage Letter To The Devil!

Thursday, June 29:
From The Vault: VHUS Classic Encore v.19!

Monday, July 3:
V.H.U.S. WORLD SERIES OF HEAVY LISTENERS!!  JUNE rankings!!







Wednesday, June 14, 2017

The Oh-Too-Brief Return Of VHUS Classic Encore 18!





















Another vintage volume returns!   What occurred back in 2014? 
  • The tongue-in-cheek VHUS breast-sizing guide!
  • Prog-rock snobbery is alive and well in podcast-land!
  • The perfect neighbor: The Devil's mother-in-law?!?
  • Missouri's newest plot to kill drivers-who-text!
  • Do podcasters get groupies?   (Or do we just get the blues?)
  • No Pink Floyd in Cincinnati!   (old news)
PLUS more incense-fueled prog rock, metal, comedy and classic rock obscura!   JOIN US!







DOWNLOAD v.18 for Maximum Podcast Gratification!


More episodes on the VHUS Home Page @ Pod-O-Matic







THE VERY HEAVY UNCLE SHOW – Volume 18
(original debut: September 24th, 2014)

  • Voodoo Highway - This Is Rock 'n' Roll, You Wankers   [Showdown…Dust On The Tracks] 
  • Mater Thallium - Maternal Mortality   [Abandoned By The Sun…Autumnsongs Records] 
  • Edguy - Pandora's Box   [Age Of The Joker…Nuclear Blast] 
  • Amberian Dawn - Magic Forest   [Magic Forest…Napalm] 
  • UFO - Mother Mary   [Force It…Chrysalis/EMI] 
  • Kirk – Eternity   [Masquerade…Mausoleum] 
  • The Flower Kings - Silent Masses   [Desolation Rose… Inside Out] 
  • Bruce McCulloch - Doors     [Shame-Based Man…Atlantic] 
  • Kotipelto – Reasons   [Coldness…Century Media] 
  • Ian Anderson - The Browning Of The Green     [Homo Erraticus…KScope] 
  • Pentagram - Walk In The Blue Light     [First Daze Here…Relapse] 
  • T-Rex - 20th Century Boy     [Single A-Side…Ariola/EMI] 
  • Cruachan - Some Say The Devil Is Dead     [Pagan…Candlelight USA] 
  • Journey (pre-Perry) - She Makes Me Feel Alright   [Look Into The Future…Columbia] 
  • Zello - I Will Be The Wind   [Quodlibet…Musea] 
  • Janison Edge - A Twist in The Tale Of Earth History    [The Services Of Mary Goode…Gargoyle] 
  • Starcastle - Red Season   [Song Of Times…ProgRock] 
  • Nightwish - The Phantom Of The Opera    [Century Child…Century Media] 
  • Angel - The Fortune    [Helluva Band…Polygram Japan]



UPCOMING PROGRAMME STUFF!!

Monday, June 19:
Flashback: A classic rant from the early days of VHUS!

Thursday, June 22:
Premiere! The all-new VHUS v.77!

Monday, June 26:
Flashback: Another Vintage Letter To The Devil!

Thursday, June 29:
From The Vault: VHUS Classic Encore v.19!

CONTACT US!   (It's e-mail.   You remember e-mail, don't you?   Don't be shy.)

Monday, June 12, 2017

The Worst Of Track 13 - Listener Submission Day!!







As originally presented in V.H.U.S. Volume 37  - June 18, 2015
(Transcript edited for context and clarity.)

I’ve got good news and bad news, my children.   The good news, it's Listener Submission Day, so that’s less work for me.   The bad news, you have no one to blame but yourselves.   

Let us begin.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that lost his wallet and 500 dollars to a pickpocket.  How could ANYONE stoop so low?   (Devil laughs)   Stoooop!   Oh never mind...

What has 6 balls and screws fat women on welfare?.   The lottery!


Fatboy was telling me about his latest sexual conquest. He wanked all over a blind hooker.   According to Fatboy, she never saw it coming.   (Devil laughs)




Here’s some irony for you.  Did you ever notice that the disabled toilets are the ONLY ones big enough to run around in?   I'm just sayin'...

Isn't it ironic to see a group of pro-lifers throwing EGGS at an abortion clinic?   (Devil chuckles) Stupid bitches, think of all the wasted omelets!    Which reminds me...

What do spinach and anal sex have in common?   If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll still  hate it as an adult.  (long pause)  Oooh, that’s nasty.

Time for one more.    Why don’t black people take their garbage out to the curb on trash day?   Because that’s DAD’s job!   DAAAAD's job.  Yeah it took me a second to get that one, too.














UPCOMING PROGRAMME STUFF!!

Thursday, June 15:
From The Vault: VHUS Classic Encore v.18!

Monday, June 19:
Flashback: A classic rant from the early days of VHUS!

Thursday, June 22:
Premiere! The all-new VHUS v.77!

Monday, June 26:
Flashback: Another Vintage Letter To The Devil!












CONTACT US!   (Letters To The Devil, suggestions, etc.)





Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Kid-tested, MILF-approved: The all-new VHUS v.76!





















What’s occurring?   
  • Randy, Robbie & Fred: You only know them by their last names.
  • Which country got banned from The Heavy World Series?
  • 666 HOT job opportunities in Hell.
  • Uncle remembers his very first long-box.
  • Track 13: Those would be Ecumenical jokes!
  • Made to be broken: The Pod-House Rules
Plus more blacklight-powered prog rock, metal, comedy and classic rock obscura!   JOIN US!

DOWNLOAD v.76 for Maximum Podcast Satisfaction

More episodes on the VHUS Home Page








Premiere: June 8, 2017

  • Bachman-Turner Overdrive - Four Wheel Drive   [Four Wheel Drive…Mercury]
  • Ayreon - Everybody Dies    [The Source…Music Theories Recordings]
  • White Willow - Future Hopes   [Future Hopes…The Laser's Edge]
  • The Samurai Of Prog - On We Sail   [On We Sail…Seacrest Oy]
  • Circuline – Nautilus   [Counter Point…Inner Nova Music]
  • Breath After Coma - I, The Animal   [Leaders… https://breathaftercomaband.bandcamp.com]
  • Nexus - Un Cristal Bajo El Agua   [En Et Comienzo Del Topos Uranos…Melopea Discos]
  • Kathleen Madigan - 68 States  (Pt. 1)   [In Other Words…Warner Bros.]
  • Hand - The Pier   [Breathing…Femme Fatale]
  • The Curiosity Shoppe - Baby I Need You   [Single A-Side…Deram/Decca]
  • The Quill - Waiting For the Sun   [Full Circle…Metalville]
  • Rikard Sjöblom's Gungfly - He Held An Axe   [On Her Journey To The Sun…Inside Out]
  • Judas Priest - Devil's Child   [Screaming For Vengeance…Columbia]
  • Genesis – Squonk   [A Trick Of The Tail…Charisma UK]
  • Serpentyne - Jeanne D'Arc   [The Serpent's Kiss… http://www.serpentyne.com]
  • Bjørn Riis - Forever Comes To An End   [Forever Comes To An End…Karisma Records]
  • Kathleen Madigan - 68 States  (Pt. 2)   [In Other Words…Warner Bros.]
  • Il Tempio Delle Clessidre - La Parola Magica   [il-ludere…Black Widow Records]
  • Giuffria - Trouble Again   [Giuffria…Axe Killer-MCA]






SUBSCRIBE TO VHUS:   iTunes    RSS Feed

UPCOMING PROGRAMME STUFF!!

Monday, June 12:
Flashback: The Worst of TRACK 13!

Thursday, June 15:
From The Vault: VHUS Classic Encore v.18!

Monday, June 19:
Flashback: A classic rant from the early days of VHUS!

Thursday, June 22:
Premiere! The all-new VHUS v.77!








(but don't expect him to RT every damned thing you post)

CONTACT US!   (Letters To The Devil, Requests, Comments, etc.)

(VHUS STILL providing comedy relief on Saturday Nights!  10PM ET/4AM CET)