Uncle's In-Box: When OKCupid Gets It SO Wrong!

We used to get really good letters in the early days of the show.    But not so much now.  No idea why.    

One of our all time favorites was a listener letter which originally aired in the long-gone VHUS v.5 back in early 2014.

Here's the actual (slightly-edited) e-mail from Lucas, whose experience set the Platinum standard for internet-dating-done-right (or wrong, depending how you look at it...)!   ENJOY!

To: Very Heavy Uncle Show  <veryheavyuncle@gmail.com>
From: Lucas*************   <lucas******@yahoo.com>
Received: 3/16/2014  10:34 PM

I got divorced for my 40th birthday, and it took 2 years of flirting with waitresses to make me desperate enough to try internet dating.   And it sucked.    I had a dozen horrible dates with the most vain, conceited, entitled, self-important princesses you can imagine.   The prettier they were, the bitchier they were.   

So I came up with a plan. I would only contact women with NO pictures and well-written, smart profiles.   It took a while, but I finally found "R".   She was smart, funny, had her shit together, had a good job and NO kids.   We messaged back and forth for a month, but I never could get a picture out of her  -  so I didn’t send her one either.   We talked a couple of times and finally decided to meet for dinner.   I got to the restaurant early so I could check her out from a distance, just in case.

Then I saw her come in, wearing the outfit she described.   NOT bad!   Nice hair, Decent figure, good legs. I walked up to her with a smile on my face and introduced myself.  She looked at me and said "I know you from somewhere?"   I gave her a good close look over.   Yeah, I knew HER from somewhere too.  We got a table and started trading info, and it didn’t even take one drink to figure out how we knew each other.   

"R" was my STEPSISTER, who moved into my dad’s house 6 months before I went off to college 24 years ago.

We had dinner anyway.   And a few too many drinks.    I’ll save you the guess work.   Yes...  yes... yes... and absolutely f*ck YES!

The response was huge (by VHUS standards), and our dozens of listeners asked the same question:  "One night stand?   Or is Thanksgiving going to be really uncomfortable this year?"

I dropped Lucas a note asking for a followup, but we never received a reply.    Too bad.    (FYI: I do NOT have a stepsister.)

DOWNLOAD v.66 for Maximum Podcast Satisfaction

DOWNLOAD Classic Encore v.51

VHUS Home Page @ Pod-O-Matic

UPCOMING PROGRAMME STUFF!!

Thursday, February 2:
Premiere Day! The all-new VHUS v.67!

Monday, February 6:
THE WORLD SERIES OF HEAVY LISTENERS!
JANUARY RANKINGS!

Thursday, February 9:
The return of VHUS Encore v.52!!

Monday, February 13:

More of The Best/Worst OF TRACK 13!

Follow Uncle D.L. on TWITTER!

Send A Letter To The Devil

Grip Of Delusion Radio on Tune-In   (VHUS Saturday Nights! 10PM ET / 3AM CET)

Perhaps a bit TOO obscure... VHUS Classic Encore v.51!

Artwork:  QUEEN -- QUEEN II  (1974)

From just about this time last year, it's VHUS Encore v.51!
What's occurring?

• The bloodiest one-hit wonder in Top 40 history.
• The Devil weighs in: Was Freddie Mercury’s wig bad for business?
• 8-Track Memory: 3 heavenly albums from a hell of a band.
• Audrey goes trippin’ in New Jersey.
• Not-so-family-friendly sex jokes from the Devil’s little red book.
• Netflix and Swill: More movies to avoid from Uncle’s queue.
• Breakfast with Eddie Murphy.
• Want to be a world-famous podcaster?   Why ask US how?   

PLUS: Plenty of sandalwood-fueled prog rock, listenable metal, classic rock obscura and caustic commentary.  BE THERE!

DOWNLOAD v.51 for Maximum Podcast Satisfaction

Visit the VHUS Home Page @ Pod-O-Matic

THE VERY HEAVY UNCLE SHOW -- Volume 51

(Original Debut: January 21, 2016)

Bloodrock - Children's Heritage   [Bloodrock 2…One Way/Capitol]

Lion Shepherd - Brave New World   [Hiraeth…MJM Music]

Nice Beaver - River So Wide   [The Time It Takes…Oskar]

Second Sight - Assassin   [Seven Deadly… http://www.secondsightband.com]

Hair Of The Dog - You Soft Spoken Thing   [The Siren's Song… http://hairofthedog.bandcamp.com]

Forza Ellettro Motrice - Nella Citta   [Sulla Bolla Di Sapone…Fading Records]

Jess & The Ancient Ones - The Flying Man   [Second Psychedelic Coming: The Aquarius Tapes…SVART]

Unitopia - When I'm Down   [The Garden…Inside Out]

Sound Apparatus - Travel Agent Man   [45 Single…Arf! Arf! Records]

VIII Strada - 1403, Storia In Firenze   [Babylon…Fading Records]

Empirical Time - A Slumber Did My Spirit Seal   [Songs, Poems And A Lady… Ma.Ra.Cash Records]

The Jam - The Modern World   [This Is The Modern World…Polydor]

Il Segno Del Comando - Chider Il Verde   [Il Volto Verde…Black Widow]

Subsignal - A Time Out of Joint   [The Beacons Of Somewhere Sometime…GoldenCore]

Malady - Unessakavelija   [Malady…SVART]

Karfagen - Hopeless Dreamer   [7…Caerllysi Music]

Northwinds - From The Cradle To The Grave   [Eternal Winter…Black Widow]

Eddie Murphy - Buckwheat   [Eddie Murphy…Columbia]

Brimstone Coven - The Grave   [Brimstone Coven…Metal Blade]

The Hooters - Satellite   [One Way Home…Columbia]

UPCOMING PROGRAMME STUFF!!

Monday, January 30:
Our Magic 8-Ball is still down - we really don't know....

Thursday, February 2:
Premiere Day! The all-new VHUS v.67!

Monday, February 6:
THE WORLD SERIES OF HEAVY LISTENERS!
JANUARY RANKINGS!

Thursday, February 9:

The return of VHUS Encore v.52!!

Follow Uncle D.L. on TWITTER! 

Send A Letter To The Devil

Grip Of Delusion Radio on Tune-In (VHUS Saturday Nights! 10PM ET / 3AM CET)

Letter-To-The-Devil: Daddy's New Step-Princess!

Before we get started, I just wanted to say how disappointed I am that you guys & gals allowed 3 (THREE!!!) different podcasts to break Uncle's 33-day streak at #1 on Pod-O-Matic's Metal Chart this morning.

I am very ashamed.    (It was that ASIA song wasn't it?   Dammit.)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

On to business, the following L-T-T-D transcript comes from VHUS v.14, July 23, 2014   (some edits were made for time and clarity).

UNCLE D.L.:  “PsychoDad” writes: I need an expert’s opinion on evil. I just remarried, and am now the proud owner of a 16-year-old stepdaughter.   She looks 21, dresses like a Vegas call girl and is spoiled beyond rotten.   Her mother has NEVER said NO to her little princess, and only 2 weeks in I’m ready to toss her over-privileged ass into a wood chipper and head for the hills.   Peaceful co-existence is not going to happen.   Any advice?

THE DEVIL: Ooooh, rich and bitchy teenage girls.   EVIL is only HALF a word for them. We’re getting a lot more of these downstairs than we used to.   Binge drinking at frat parties, texting while driving, untreated STD’s and yes, even hacked into pieces by parents driven to pure madness by their shit.   I’ll be candid - they even scare ME a little bit.






Psycho Dad... you’re pretty much fucked!   Lacking Mom’s total cooperation, you will NEVER get little Buffy under control.   Without the power to ground her, cut up her credit cards or take away her phone or car, you’re pretty much at her bloodthirsty mercy.

All I can suggest is the use of psychological warfare.   Teenage girls may give the impression of being brainless airheads, but the truth is: they hear and remember EVERYTHING.   That, coupled with near-manic levels of paranoia, is your secret weapon. (laughs)

For example, The next time Buffy gets ready to leave the house dressed like she’s on her way to a porno shoot... instead of complaining about her outfit, mention that it looks a little TOO TIGHT in a few places.   Then ask her if maybe she’s putting on weight?   This will be ALL she hears in her head for the rest of the night, and she’ll be too busy obsessing about it to get into any real trouble.

Also public embarrassment works wonders.   The next time you see her with a coven of her peers, comment that the color of her outfit makes her look so much older -  which will make her the envy of her chums - until you add that she could almost pass for FORTY.  She won’t hear the end of that shit for a week!

My favorite gag is the simple Post-It note on her bedroom door "Some boy called.  Twice."   No name, no number.   Of course nobody called, but she’ll be pissing herself for 3 days trying to find out who it was.  And it will drive her INSANE.   (maniacal laughter)

Fatboy just passed me a note... I love it!   This one WILL take a little acting skill...  One evening, casually mention at the dinner table "It took you forever, but you finally got the new internet security software installed on the home network.  You didn’t KNOW that it would record cellphone, Facebook and e-mail passwords too.  What a nice added feature!" 

If you are a good enough actor, she may shit herself right there at the dinner table.   (laughter)

These should get you started, Psycho-Dad. Good luck!  But don’t push your little princess TOO far, or she may run head-first into that wood chipper on her own.   Thanks for writing!  Satan out.

I think WE may have gone too far here.

Yeah, like anyone listening is dumb enough to follow MY advice.
--------------------------------------------------------------
  

DOWNLOAD v.66 for Maximum Podcast Satisfaction

Visit the VHUS Home Page @ Pod-O-Matic

UPCOMING PROGRAMME STUFF!!

Thursday,  January 26:
The brief return of VHUS Classic Encore v.51

Monday,  January 30:
If I knew, I would tell you.    Really.

Thursday,  February 2:
Premiere Day!    The all-new VHUS v.67!

Monday,  February 6:
THE WORLD SERIES OF HEAVY LISTENERS!

JANUARY RANKINGS!

Follow Uncle D.L. on TWITTER!

CONTACT US!   Letters To The Devil, Suggestions, Complaints...

(Ladies: Uncle is currently available for Valentine's Day.  Get your bid in early!)

VHUS v.66 Needs A Spanking! Our 3rd Anniversary Show!!

Artwork:  T. REX - ELECTRIC WARRIOR   (1971) 

Who would have believed we would EVER make it to our Third Anniversary Show!!  What's occurring?

• The ultimate arena-rock dick-slap!
• When there’s no more mail in Hell, The Devil does a cooking show?!?
• Water sports which require neither boat nor life jacket...
• More essential albums that should NOT be played backwards.
• If there’s an Amputee Jokebook… how do they turn the pages?
• We take the magic out of podcasting: The VHUS F.A.Q.

Plus more blacklight-powered prog rock, listenable metal, caustic commentary and classic rock obscura!   JOIN US!!

DOWNLOAD v.66 for Maximum Podcast Satisfaction

Visit the VHUS Home Page @ Pod-O-Matic

The Very Heavy Uncle Show – Volume 66

Debut: January 19, 2017

Asia - Days Like These   [Then And Now…Geffen]

Jeavestone – Repiphany   [Human Games…Presence Records]

Steven Wilson - The Pin Drop   [The Raven That Refused To Sing…KScope]

TCP – Chrysalis   [Temporal Chaos…Watt]

Adam Sandler - Oh Mom (edit)   [They're All Gonna Laugh At You…Warner Bros.]

Ad Maiora – Molokheya…[Repetita Iuvant…OLM - Oltre La Musica]

Royal Hunt – Shadowman   [X…Frontiers]

Anderson / Stolt - Knowledge (edit)   [Invention Of Knowledge…Inside Out]

Tarzandragon - Horizon 1: The Event   [Horizons… https://tarzandragon.bandcamp.com]

Camel - Song Within A Song   [Moonmadness…Decca/Universal]

Wolfspring - The Haunting   [Wolfspring…Progrock Records]

Ritual - Explosive Paste   [Think Like A Mountain…Inside Out]

SubRosa - Borrowed Time, Borrowed Eyes   [No Help For The Mighty Ones…Profound Lore]

Mad Crayon - Running Child   [Ultimomirraggio…Cygnus Records]

Jerusalem - Cry   [Cooler Than Antarctica…Angel Air]

Georgius - The Saddest Piece In The World   [String Theory…Lynx Music]

Ava Inferi - Last Sign Of Summer   [Blood Of Bacchus…Season Of Mist]

REO Speedwagon - Meet Me On The Mountain   [Nine Lives…Epic Records]

UPCOMING PROGRAMME STUFF!!

Monday, January 23:

The Best/Worst Of "LETTER TO THE DEVIL"

Thursday, January 26:

The brief return of VHUS Classic Encore v.51

Monday, January 30:

If I knew, I would tell you.   Really.

Thursday, February 2:

Premiere!   All-new VHUS v.67

iTunes users click to SUBSCRIBE here!

VHUS rss2.xml feed link HERE.

Follow Uncle D.L. on TWITTER!

CONTACT US.  (Letters To The Devil, Criticize The Music, Fat-Shame Uncle, etc.)

Grip Of Delusion Radio on Tune-In   (VHUS Saturday Nights!  10PM ET / 3AM CET)

The Best of Track 13: Blondes Don't Have More Fun

Today: A selection of The Devil's favorite Blonde jokes.  Let us begin...

I saw Home Depot was carrying a new brand of paint called BLONDE.
Naturally I bought a gallon.
It's not very bright, but it's cheap and spreads very easily.

What do you give the blonde who has everything?
Penicillin.

Why do blondes wear wool underwear in the winter?
To keep their ankles warm.

Everybody likes to build snowmen, right? But why does it take longer to build a Blonde one?

It takes an hour to hollow out the head! 

I once knew a blonde who I thought loved to party because she had TGIF painted on her shoes in glitter? 

Turns out, it meant Toes Go In First! 

I also knew a blonde who got fired from her job at the M&M factory after only ONE day.

She was the proofreader!

Time for one more...

My children, how do you tell if a BLONDE did your landscaping?
The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
See... the bushes are darker because blondes... oh never mind...

DOWNLOAD Classic Encore v.48 for Maximum Podcast Pleasure

Visit the VHUS Home Page @  Pod-O-Matic

ALERT!! Our record-breaking TOTALLY NEW WAVE UNCLE SHOW (v.61 - Halloween 2016) will be coming down in a few days to make room for new stuff.   If you didn't download the episode (or listen the first time), you have until Thursday to snag a copy before it goes away!

DOWNLOAD THE TOTALLY NEW WAVE UNCLE SHOW v.61 NOW!

UPCOMING PROGRAMME STUFF!!

Thursday, January 19:
Premiere of the all-new VHUS v.66!

(Our Third-Anniversary episode!)


Monday, January 23:
Seriously, we'll think of something. I promise!

Thursday, January 26:
The brief return of VHUS Classic Encore v.51

Monday, January 30:
(See January 23 listing)

Follow Uncle D.L. on TWITTER!

Send A Letter To The Devil

Grip Of Delusion Radio on Tune-In (VHUS Saturday Nights! 10PM ET / 3AM CET)

The brief (no boxers, sorry) return of VHUS Classic Encore v.48!!

Early December, 2015.   I can't really remember it, can you?

What MIGHT have occurred?

• What’s neither fish, nor fowl, nor avocado?
• What to do when The Pied Piper won’t make a house call.
• Why Bohemian Rhapsody was an 8-track nightmare.
• The Devil makes fun of your mother’s weight problem.
• What’s so funny about Germaine, Aretha & Yoko?
• Classic comedy from Brian Regan!    

And more sandalwood-powered progressive rock, listenable metal, caustic comedy and classic rock obscura.   JOIN US!

DOWNLOAD v.48 for Maximum Podcast Pleasure

Visit the VHUS Home Page @ Pod-O-Matic

The Very Heavy Uncle Show  -- Volume 48

(Original Debut: Thursday, December 3, 2015)

Head East -- Get Up And Enjoy Yourself   [Head East  /  A&M-Hip-O Select]

Amberian Dawn -- Symphony 1.1: The Witchcraft   [Innuendo  /  Napalm]

Gazpacho -- Park Bench   [Molok  /  KScope]

Antimatter -- Killer   [The Judas Table  /  Prophecy]

Corvus Stone -- Early Morning Call   [Corvus Stone II  /  Melodic Revolution Records]

Year Of The Goat -- Pillars Of The South   [The Unspeakable  /  Napalm]

Nad Sylvan -- Courting The Widow   [Courting The Widow  /  Inside Out]

Nazareth -- Crazy   [Heavy Metal: Motion Picture Soundtrack  /  Full Moon-Elektra]

Brian Regan -- Donut Lady   [Live  /  Uproar]

Permian Incident -- This Wonderful Darkness   [Songs Of Solitude & Sorrow  /  www.permianincident.com]

Ghost -- From The Pinnacle To The Pit   [Meliora  /  Loma Vista]

The Windmill -- The Giant Prize   [The Continuation  /  Windmill Records]

Witchsorrow -- There Is No Light, There Is Only Fire   [No Light, Only Fire  /  Candlelight]

IO Earth -- Redemption   [New World  /  IO Earth]

Tuskmorke -- All Is Lost   [Riset Bak Speilet  /  SVART Records]

Riverside -- Discard Your Fear   [Love, Fear And The Time Machine  /  Inside Out]

Brian Regan -- Kids' Party Games   [Live  /  Uproar]

Arena -- How Did It Come To This?   [The Unquiet Sky  /  Verglas]

Myrkur -- Onde Born   [M  /  Relapse]

Zombi -- Pillars Of The Dawn   [Shape Shift  /  Relapse]

UPCOMING PROGRAMME STUFF!!

Monday, January 16:

More of "The Best Of Track 13" 

Thursday, January 19:

Premiere of the all-new VHUS v.66 - Our Third-Anniversary episode!

(We now have a gimmick!   More or less.)

Monday, January 23:

Seriously, we'll think of something.  I promise!

Thursday, January 26:

The brief return of VHUS Classic Encore v.51

Follow Uncle D.L. on TWITTER!

CONTACT US!   Letters To The Devil, Suggestions, Internet Dating Tips, etc.

Grip Of Delusion Radio on Tune-In   (VHUS Saturday Nights!  10PM ET / 3AM CET)

The VHUS "Something Borrowed" Art Gallery - Part 4

The final round of overdue shout-outs of appreciation to the classic (and not-so-classic) album covers we have "borrowed" over the years to enhance the look of The Very Heavy Uncle Show.

Easily one of the 10 most recognizable prog-rock album covers of all time: KING CRIMSON - IN THE COURT OF THE CRIMSON KING.   This one took the VHUS trademark purple pretty well.

True confession time (and this could lose me some of my prog street cred): Uncle is not much of a King Crimson fan - not my preferred style at all.   I do LOVE this album, but everything else after this debut gem leaves me cold.   There, I've said it.

NOTE: I did not re-master the artwork for Volume 59.   At the time, the purple-drenched GRAND FUNK style looked just fine to my eyes.   (Or maybe I just got lazy, who can remember?)  

In my humble opinion, UFO is a criminally underrated hard rock band (especially here in the USA).    VHUS Volume 60 was augmented with this nightmare-fuel artwork from their 1978 classic OBSESSION , supplied by the legendary design group Hipgnosis.  

For Halloween 2016, we decided to break tradition and dive deep into the well of New Wave.   As such, we needed an iconic neo-wave image to mutate.    The 1979 debut from THE B-52's fit the bill perfectly (even though we felt compelled to jack the color scheme to extreme levels.)

Trivia: VHUS v.61 was by BY FAR our most downloaded and streamed episode EVER.    A smarter podcast host might take that hint and run with it.    But not this one.

 Finally, some mutated album art we probably would have used for Halloween if we hadn't gone the new wave route.    Believe it or not, there are a few folks out there who still don't know that George Romero's 1978 undead masterpiece DAWN OF THE DEAD was known as ZOMBI in Italy and much of Europe.    

Composed by the group some call Dario Argento's House Band: GOBLIN , this soundtrack album contains some of horror's most recognizable themes, and is still being parroted by dozens of contemporary electronica outfits 40 years later.

I think you're all up to date now.

DOWNLOAD VHUS v.65 for MAXIMUM PODCAST SATISFACTION

VHUS Home Page @ Pod-O-Matic

UPCOMING PROGRAMME STUFF!!

Thursday, January 12:
Fresh-from-the-vault VHUS Classic Encore
(Volume 48, from November  2015)

Monday, January 16:
No idea.   Maybe more of "The Best Of Track 13?"

Thursday, January 19:
Premiere of all-new VHUS v.66 - Our Third-Anniversary episode!

(Gimmick To Be Determined)

Monday, January 23:
We'll think of something, I promise.

Follow Uncle D.L. on TWITTER! 

CONTACT US: Send A Letter To The Devil or Uncle D.L.

Grip Of Delusion Radio on Tune-In 

(VHUS Saturday Nights! 10PM ET / 3AM CET)