As originally featured in VHUS Volume 10 (May 28, 2014):
(Transcript edited to improved readability)
UNCLE: Putt-Master-Flash writes from Knoxville: "Dear Satan: Do you have a mother-in-law? If so, how do you deal with her shit? Mine just moved in 3 houses down, and she’s driving me insane."
DEVIL: I feel your pain Flash, and that’s not easy for me to say. Yes, I DO have a mother-in-law and you should consider yourself lucky that you at least have some distance between you.
ROBERTA (I call her Bobby) lives in our spare room, and she's on my ass like a bad rash 24-7. "Why do the Hitlers have a bigger house by the good Lake Of Fire?" "Why do you always have to bring that dirty pitchfork into the living room?" "My daughter could done a lot better than YOU, mister! She could have married an ArcAngel!" Nag! Nag! NAG! Some days I just want to pull off my horns and shove them in my ears.
My only suggestion: If your mother-in-law bugs you - BUG the bitch back. When it works, it will buy you a few precious days of peace and quiet.
The last time Roberta really pissed me off, I pretended the cable went out – which was easy because we have COMCAST down here. Bobby was in the middle of Duck Dynasty, so she demanded equivalent entertainment for the rest of the afternoon.
So I had personnel send over ANDY GRIFFITH and BUDDY EBSEN - you know, the guys who played Matlock and Barnaby Jones - And I made them strip down to their diapers and wrestle in front of her!!
Bobby lasted about 3 minutes (Devil laughs!). Then I told her the next time she got on my tail, I’d add Dom DeLuise to the lineup. And there would be NO diapers.
Bobby was gentle as a lamb for almost a week. However, the missus was less like a lamb and more like King Kong. So I’m on the couch until Labor Day. Needless to say, your mileage may vary. Good luck, Flash! You’ll need it. Satan out.
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