Before we get started, I just wanted to say how disappointed I am that you guys & gals allowed 3 (THREE!!!) different podcasts to break Uncle's 33-day streak at #1 on Pod-O-Matic's Metal Chart this morning.
I am very ashamed. (It was that ASIA song wasn't it? Dammit.)
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On to business, the following L-T-T-D transcript comes from VHUS v.14, July 23, 2014 (some edits were made for time and clarity).
UNCLE D.L.: “PsychoDad” writes: I need an expert’s opinion on evil. I just remarried, and am now the proud owner of a 16-year-old stepdaughter. She looks 21, dresses like a Vegas call girl and is spoiled beyond rotten. Her mother has NEVER said NO to her little princess, and only 2 weeks in I’m ready to toss her over-privileged ass into a wood chipper and head for the hills. Peaceful co-existence is not going to happen. Any advice?
Psycho Dad... you’re pretty much fucked! Lacking Mom’s total cooperation, you will NEVER get little Buffy under control. Without the power to ground her, cut up her credit cards or take away her phone or car, you’re pretty much at her bloodthirsty mercy.
All I can suggest is the use of psychological warfare. Teenage girls may give the impression of being brainless airheads, but the truth is: they hear and remember EVERYTHING. That, coupled with near-manic levels of paranoia, is your secret weapon. (laughs)
For example, The next time Buffy gets ready to leave the house dressed like she’s on her way to a porno shoot... instead of complaining about her outfit, mention that it looks a little TOO TIGHT in a few places. Then ask her if maybe she’s putting on weight? This will be ALL she hears in her head for the rest of the night, and she’ll be too busy obsessing about it to get into any real trouble.
Also public embarrassment works wonders. The next time you see her with a coven of her peers, comment that the color of her outfit makes her look so much older - which will make her the envy of her chums - until you add that she could almost pass for FORTY. She won’t hear the end of that shit for a week!
My favorite gag is the simple Post-It note on her bedroom door "Some boy called. Twice." No name, no number. Of course nobody called, but she’ll be pissing herself for 3 days trying to find out who it was. And it will drive her INSANE. (maniacal laughter)
Fatboy just passed me a note... I love it! This one WILL take a little acting skill... One evening, casually mention at the dinner table "It took you forever, but you finally got the new internet security software installed on the home network. You didn’t KNOW that it would record cellphone, Facebook and e-mail passwords too. What a nice added feature!"
If you are a good enough actor, she may shit herself right there at the dinner table. (laughter)
These should get you started, Psycho-Dad. Good luck! But don’t push your little princess TOO far, or she may run head-first into that wood chipper on her own. Thanks for writing! Satan out.
I think WE may have gone too far here.
Yeah, like anyone listening is dumb enough to follow MY advice.
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