Source: Very Heavy Uncle Show v.9
(original debut: May 14, 2014)
Transcript edited for context and readability.
UNCLE: Weston66 writes "I am reading Dante’s Divine Comedy as part of my college coursework. Are there still 9 circles in hell, or is there now a more complex system, perhaps modeled after the DMV?"
DEVIL: HA!! Good one, Weston! The nine circles of hell thing was okay back in the 14th century, sin was easy back then. You basically had a circle for each of 7 deadly sins, throw in spots for limbo and treachery and we were good to go.
But by the dawn of the 20th century, mankind had found so many new ways to be evil bastards, we had to overhaul the entire system, which was a real pain 6o years before computers. Today, hell is simply divided into floors and we’re digging deeper and deeper every year to make room for all the new shit you mortals keep coming up with.
So it’s not necessarily "the worse your sins, the deeper you go?"
That system is just not practical any more. It’s easier to keep all tenants with the same background on the same floors. It also makes sheet change and meal-time much more efficient.
You must be ass-deep in lawyers. So they have what, three or four floors all to themselves?
Try FIFTY. You heard me. 3500 floors in the joint and FIFTY of them are crammed full of suspender-snapping douchbags. We have three floors of child molesters, six floors of drug dealers and we’re slowly adding a ninth floor to the telemarketer wing. We’d be done already, but every time we go to the contractor floor for cheap labor, we can’t find them. I think they’re hiding out with the cable installers. (Devil laughs)
I miss the old Nine circles. I knew where everything was. Now I need a freaking GPS just to find the nurse’s office.
Thanks for writing, Weston. Satan out.
(It's going away SOON!)
UPCOMING PROGRAMME STUFF!!
Thursday, May 25:
Premiere! The all-new VHUS v.75!
Monday, May 29:
Flashback Favorites: Uncle's InBox!
Thursday, June 1:
From The Vault: VHUS Classic Encore v.17!
Monday, June 5:
VHUS World Series Of Heavy Listeners: May Rankings!
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